I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
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Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
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I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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