STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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