We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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