I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
