After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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