I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
