his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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