Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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