well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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