woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
