just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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