We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
