God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
