So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
