im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
