And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
