My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
