I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
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Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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