Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
