Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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