I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
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well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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