she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
