my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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