Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
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You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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