walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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