My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
