i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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