Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
