my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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