i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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