i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
