I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
