She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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