Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
