i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
