dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
