I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
