My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You can't motorboat a personality
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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