I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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