Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
