i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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