my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
