Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
