if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
