Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
