totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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