if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
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Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
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Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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