I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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