Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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