no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
