oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
