o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I don't deserve a penis
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
