On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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