mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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