someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
