my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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