So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
