first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
